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Thursday, December 30, 2004
Another day, Another fucking day to go thru. so i wake up @ 10:55, so close to 11, so i just choose to stay in my bed til my clock says 11, & now i'm satisfied. so i just spend my day doing absolutely nothing, yes that's it, nothing-because i have no life until after work. so i just talk to my boyfriend on the nextel, until i get into the shower around i have no idea, whenever i fucking feel like getting into the shower. Then i have to find clothes that will be "dress fucking code" appropriate for NGCC!!, meaning no fucking jeans [[ suck a fat one ]] and no mid drift and no cleveage. that limits me on what i have to wear. i have like 3 pairs of tan pants, so i just wear one of those. and sometimes my mid drift is showing, but what ya gunna do about it, if you send me home to change, i'm not fucking coming back that's for sure, you either get this or nothing @ all. so just to piss them off taday-i'm gunna wear something that shows either my cleveage or my mid rift, and if they try to send me home-i ain't coming back, and i'll just tell them i'll quit for a better job. whatever-i can't wait til january 3rd, so i can be in the toddler room, & then i won't b so bored in the infant room. even tho most of the toddlers are scared of me, except for billy but he bites so if he does get scared of me he'll just bite. but teddy is nice to me, he's my little TEDDY BEAR! anyways, after the horrible 3 hours in the fucking hell hole of bottles crying and dirty diapers i'll refuse to change, i get to come home to...yeah, the mom. alright, i'm probably totally wrong, but not everyone spends their vacation nights inside with their mom's. every time i'm getting ready to go out, she has to say something liek why can't you stay in with me tanight. honestly, i'd stay inside if it was the OLD us, but now if i stay in, we're obviously gunna get into a fight, and ur gunna stay questioning me, "ashleigh are you smoking, ashleigh are you drinking, ashleigh are you having sex?" and seriously, i'm not gunna sit in my house and listen to that, eventually my ears will start to bleed, and she doesn't understand the fucking shit i go thru @ work, and @ school, and going out is just fun, & it's not gunna stop. I don't know how many days til i'm 18 but fuck yea i'm counting down bbbbbbiatches. Well yeah, new years eve is tomorrow-& i think it's time to finally party. hope you all had a great christmas, and have a good new years, just don't get as trashed as me. hugs&kisses xo xo xo
_*I expressed my thoughts at 08:46 am.
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Tuesday, December 28, 2004
I got somebody all that,he just got me feeling crazy he really really did his thang, I think I fell in love again
you came into my world and taught me things
And I cant lie cuz boy you did your thang
Feel like I'm floating wen I hear your name
I think you made me fall in love again
I know it could be done like this
A simple touch could feel just like a kiss
And when you put your hands in certain places
Boy I cant help but make them silly faces
Cuz what you doing to me should be a sin
It feels so good that I can barely hold it in
you came into my world and taught me things
And I cant lie cuz boy you did your thang
Feel like I'm floating wen I hear your name
I think you made me fall in love again
I love to feel your heartbeat next to mine
It always seems to heat me up inside
Its crazy how we work up such a sweat
And I aint never had it better ever since
Cuz wat u doing to me should be a sin
It feels so good that I can barely hold it in, boy you
you came into my world and taught me things
And I cant lie cuz boy you did your thang
Feel like I'm floating wen I hear your name
I think you made me fall in love again
you stay on my mind
Boy I just cant find the one to do them things that you do
Ever since you came into my life
you came into my world and taught me things
And I cant lie cuz boy you did your thang
Feel like I'm floating wen I hear your name
I think you made me fall in love again
Ever tho i've never been in love like this before-- i love you pat.
_*I expressed my thoughts at 10:27 am.
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Tuesday, December 21, 2004
yeah people. christmas is like saturday! whoo hoo. Except- i still have to do pretty much ALL my shopping tanight. I'm going to the mall with miss miss miiissssyy tanight. I'm getting my SeXy boots tanight too-'cause i have the best outfit to wear on christmas eve, yes i'm very excited. So i have to get something for my mom, my brother, my cousin's, my aunt and uncle, my boyfriend's parents, missy's brother, sister, mom and dad, and then my dad stepmom and half sister. yes pain in my ass. but anyways--class is over, so i'll write sometime later. love you so much patrickk.
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN
_*I expressed my thoughts at 05:32 am.
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Sunday, December 19, 2004
i hate it when my hair doesn't do anything i want it to do. i hate people that drink just to fit in. i hate it when i get jealous when i hear about my boyfriend's past. i hate my insecurities. i hate when my mom questions me on what i was doing, or what i am doing when i go out. i hate friends that stab you in the back. i hate it when i cry. i hate it when i feel like there's no tomorrow. i hate when i break a nail. i hate it when i miss him. i hate when i'm bored and there's nothing to do. i hate that i have no one to talk to. i hate when my feelings get hurt. i hate getting into stupid fights with him.i hate when i have nothing to wear, even tho i have a ton of clothes. i hate lying. i hate pretending. i hate it when i have an itch and i can't find it. i hate when i get so stressed out i just want to punch a wall, but i'm not strong enough to make a hole. i hate when people show off to me, i just don't care. i hate it when it's my fault. i hate it when things are planned out for me. i hate that i'm not 18 yet. i hate it when my mom picks a fight with me, we always just scream at eachother. i hate it when she says i need to stay in some nights-can't do that-i'll go crazy. i hate it when i feel like i don't belong anywhere. i hate school. i hate people that waste my time. i hate babysitting on weekends. i hate bitches. i hate fakes. i hate when my hands are dry. i hate it when i fail sometimes. i hate that my dad has another wife. and another family. i hate my worst enemy. i hate curfews. i hate everything that's overrated. i hate people that are rich. i hate when there's nothing right in my life. & sometimes i hate myself...
Learn from your mistakes--
They are the greatest lessons you'll ever get.
_*I expressed my thoughts at 09:14 am.
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Friday, December 17, 2004
A fucking survey for all you stupid stalkers
Basics----
Sign? Libra
Hot or cold? Cold
Coke or Pepsi? hmm.. both?
Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate fuck yeah!
Coffee or Tea? Coffee
Dogs or Cats? i love my dog and cat. can't choose
Horror or Romance? Romance :)
Favorite Show? umm...i dont really watch tv alot- car shows cause i'm always with pat
nail Polish : french, but it's getting fucking old
Sleep with stuffed animal? just a blankie-yellow fellow
Last book read? umm, a bend in the road by nicholas sparks.
Last movie seen? A cinderella story
Latest CD? - Eminem
Most often seen wearing: Pat's clothes
Any piercings? belly button, and ear's but never wear earrings
Favorite Candy Bar? Hersheys
Food? Missy's Mac and Cheese
QUESTION:
1. Ever been so drunk you blacked out: possibly, don't really remember
2. Missed school because it was raining: uh no.
3. Put a body part on fire for amusement: haha no i'm not a pyscho-ask ehryl, maybe she has. jk love you hun
4. Been hurt emotionally: multiple times
5. Kept a secret from everyone: yes
6. Had an imaginary friend when you were young: yes,a mouse
7. Wanted to hook up with a friend: i dont think so.
8. Had a crush on a teacher: nooo..lol
9. Ever thought an animated character was hot? hahaha no.
10. Had a New Kids on the Block tape: nah
--------------------FAVORITES------------------
1. Shampoo: pantene pro V, dont wash your hair with this right after you dye it, it will turn blue.
2. Favorite color: pink
3. Day/Night: Night..party times
4. Summer/Winter: Summer cause then i'm not so fucking cold.
5. Lace or satin: satin.
6. Fave cartoon Characters: pooh bear
7. Fave Advertisement: i dont care.
8. Fave Ice Cream: Chocolate
-----------------RIGHT NOW------------------
1. Wearing: Pat's sweatshirt
2. Hair is: up, and black lol
3. Drinking: pepsi
4. Thinking about: Pat.
5. Listening to: some fucked up song on VH1
------------------THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
1. Cried: yes
2. Worn a skirt: no, too cold
3. Met someone new: nah
4. Cleaned your room: ugh doubt it
5. Drove a car: yes
---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN------------------
1. Yourself: sometimes
2. Your friends: yes
3. Santa Claus: YES
4. Tooth Fairy: YES
5. Destiny/Fate: of course
6. Ghosts: maybe
7. Devils: ughh
8. UFO's: umm
9. Aliens : wtf...
---------------------RIGHT NOW---------------------------
1. Do you have a boyfriend: yes. i love you so much pat.
2. Who have you known the longest of your friends: Melissa kiely
3. who is the loudest: tie between ehryl and missy
4. Who is the funniest: missy, i laugh my ass off @ that bitch
5. Who do you whine to: Pat or my mom
6. Worst Feeling: throwing up or knowing your getting in deep trouble.
NOW FUCK OFF
_*I expressed my thoughts at 12:34 pm.
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i feel like my whole life is a lie. i'm living this big huge lie, and there's no way out.I feel like lies get me through this life, and make it easier on some parts. I don't feel like i have a home- it's so hard living with my mom. I don't feel comfortable in this house at all anymore. everytime i walk in that front door, i always get questioned or bitched at about something i did wrong. It's always something that i did wrong-she never congratulations me on something i did good, and never tells me she's proud of me. Every fight we get into, she has to be right. If i don't do something she tells me to do the first time, she screams at me. I have the worst memory, i can't help it. But i do defend myself, but it obviously doesn't work so well. it's like...when we get into fights, i just want to run away and never come home-because she makes me feel so terrible. I feel so tense around her, and i can't tell her things we use to share. It's just not the same anymore, even tho sometimes i wish it was the same. There's nothing in my life i can control the way i want it to be. The only thing that makes me whole right now is patrick. He's the only one that makes me smile, that brightens up my day when i've had the worst one possibly. I honestly can't picture my life without him. He's my everything, and if i wasn't with him-i probably wouldn't be here anymore.
I don't feel like i have a family anymore. & i think my mom suffers the most. My dad lives near worcester, & has developed his own family. My brother recently moved out and he's living on his own now. It's just me and my mom-and that's what makes it hard. She use to be all focused on my brother-her and my dad-& worry about him, and yell at him. And now that's turned on me. The only happiness i get now-a-days is going out, even on the weekdays. & when i'm going out every night-it's just her. & i think that's why she yells at me all the time. but i wish she knew that it doesn't work that way. That just makes me more distant then i already am. & the thought that i'm growing up hurts my mom even more. knowing that i'll be 18 in a year, her youngest one. and where will that leave her? by herself. I feel for her, yet sometimes i just don't want to be with her, because the way she treats me. I do love her with all my heart-i just wish that everytime i see her or talk to her, she has something better to say to me then " clean your room"...i wish i got a " i love you" or a "how was your day". but i get nothing, a smile never comes to my face anymore. & i feel that i don't have a family to rest my head on. All i have to make it alright is pat. but if something ever happens between us, i dont know what i would do. Everything in my life would be horrible, & my world would mean nothing. you mean so much to me pat, dont you understand now that i love you more???...
Things Aren't The Same When You're Gone
So Stay By My Side, Cause You're All I Need
_*I expressed my thoughts at 10:16 am.
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Thursday, December 16, 2004
got work in about half an hour--suck a dick--i don't feel good, i don't wanna go-i just wanna sleep, & i'm in a bad mood. Not for long tho, cause i'll see my baby tanight (best part of my day), but i gotta' babysit tomorrow night, yes on a friday. i dont know why i babysit on friday nights. anyways, it's pay day today $$ $$ $$ ching ching--you know what that means... CHRISTMAS SHOPPING, yes only what? 9 days away & i still have everyone to shop for, yeah and i dont know when i'm getting around to that. well gotta skeet skeet, gotta' take care of my little shitheads. LaDa ;)
OpEn youR heArt
To whAts ReAL ::
_*I expressed my thoughts at 11:38 am.
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Wednesday, December 15, 2004
you make me wanna la la, on the kitchen, on the floor
i'll b your french maid where i meet you @ the door.
i'm like an alley cat, drinking milk i'm wanting more.
you make me la la, you make me wanna scccreaaammm
I've had that song stuck in my head for the whole day. Yet today pretty much sucked. Mom's coming back from nyc tanight. I missed her so much, but it was a good 3 days without the bitching. I got pat's senior pictures yesterday, & he looks soo damn cute. I can't believe he's gunna graduate next year. what a lucky bastard. But i'll be there cheering him on because I love him.
Quick shoutout- Ehryl, I love you hun-don't worry about stuff, everything will be alright & i'm always here!
i dyed my hair BLACK! it came out a little blue-but Missy fixed it for me and now it's not blue anymore. dude ...christmas is coming!! YEAH BABY!! ok llllllaaaaaaddddddaa... LOVE YOU PATRICK
The world stops turning, and my stresses don't matter--
whenever i'm in your arms.
_*I expressed my thoughts at 02:18 pm.
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Monday, December 13, 2004
Where are you going with your long face pullin' down?
Don't hide away like an ocean that you can't see
But you can smell and the sound of waves crash down
I am no superman
I have no reasons for you
I am no hero
Aw, that's for sure
But I do know one thing
Is where you are is where I belong
I do know where you go is where I wanna be
Where are you going?
Where do you go?
Are you looking for answers to questions under the stars?
Well if along the way you are growing weary you can rest with me
until a brighter day yeah ok
I am no superman
I have no answers for you
I am no hero
Aw, that's for sure
But I do know one thing
Is where you are is where I belong
I do know where you go is where I wanna be
Where are you going?
Where do you go?
Where do you go?
Where are you going?
Where do you go?
Tell me where are you going
Where?
Where, let's go
I couldn't possibly ask for more //
you're all i've ever wanted
_*I expressed my thoughts at 07:35 am.
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Sunday, December 12, 2004
i guess you can say i'm insecure. I don't want to be but it just happens sometimes. Maybe it's because of all those heartbreaks that i've had in the past & now i just expect something to happen and i'm trying so hard to not let anything happen at all. i've cried over 5 guys in a row, is that sad? i've been cheated on, but only once and probably my fault. & when i get something so great, i'm always afraid i'm going to loose it and it completely scares the shit outta me. Maybe i'm thinking and trying too hard, and I just need to relax. But it's hard, because when you find that someone that's so right for you, that you feel so comfortable around, its difficult to not think about how this one is gunna mess up even if you love that person so much. You get accustom to broken hearts. With Pat, it's sort of different, yes i do have insecurity, even when i don't know it, even ask him. but it's just because i love him more than anything in this world, and would do pretty much anything for him. In my opinion i think he changed me, and made me a better person. I love when we're together because he just makes me laugh, and just to hear him laugh is the best thing in the world. Nothing compares to him, and i know i sound like the mushy lovey type but you'd have no idea because your not in my position. You have no idea what this is or what it's like. I've waited so long for someone like pat, and i dont want to let this go and i think that's why im insecure. We get in fights about the other girls he's been with and i obviously get jealous, but what girl doesn't when their boyfriend talks about some other chick. It's not like i wanna be jealous or get upset, it's just something that happens and that i can't control. But no matter what we fight about or whatever argument we get into, i know he loves me and he knows i love him with everything i got....
((You can't control how your heart feels..))
All i know is that whenever it skips a beat
I know i've been thinking about you
_*I expressed my thoughts at 06:21 pm.
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